


All The Things We Didn't Say

by flootzavut



Series: Next Time [4]
Category: MASH (TV)
Genre: Angst, Epistolary, Letters, M/M, POV First Person, POV Third Person, Post-Canon, Pre-Slash, Prose and letters, Rage eats a chicken, References Canon Character Death, Sequel, Suicidal Ideation, Suicidal Thoughts, nexttimeverse, queer
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-05-14
Updated: 2018-05-26
Packaged: 2019-05-07 02:35:58
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 9
Words: 7,999
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14661561
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/flootzavut/pseuds/flootzavut
Summary: Hawkeye's first reaction when BJ appears at his door is to slam it in BJ's face. It's not the greatest start.BJ travels to Maine.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

  * For [onekisstotakewithme](https://archiveofourown.org/users/onekisstotakewithme/gifts).



> I headcanon Daniel Pierce as played by an older Alan Alda _because I can_. I also owe a debt to other portrayals of the character around these parts, and especially to Brinn's.
> 
> Big love to the denizens of the Swamp, angst goblins and fluff merchants alike, who have been so enthusiastic about this AU ♥️

* * *

_**All The Things We Didn't Say** _

* * *

 

Hawkeye's first reaction when BJ appears at his door is to slam it in BJ's face. It's not the greatest start.

Given the non-reply to his last, angry letter, BJ expected he wouldn't exactly get a hero's welcome, but it still takes him a few deep breaths to unclench his fists and even out his breathing. He regrets both what he said and what he didn't say in that letter, and he's still mad as hell at both Hawk and himself. And scared. So scared.

The next time he knocks, the door opens and stays open, and Hawkeye's elderly doppelgänger is standing there instead. Hawk's dad. BJ would know him anywhere, just from those oh so familiar eyes.

He looks BJ up and down. "So you're Beej," he says, then jerks his head to invite BJ inside.

"And you're Daniel."

A quiet chuckle. "Very astute."

Daniel Pierce's smile is just like Hawkeye's, too. And his voice. Give him thirty or so years, and this is exactly what Hawk will look and sound like; it's disconcerting and maybe a little disarming.

Daniel leads BJ into the house, through a cosy kitchen, and into what in most houses would be a living room, but here is more like a den. Hawkeye is nowhere to be seen, but his fingerprints are all over the room: a martini glass and a messy pile of magazines (the latter an idiosyncratic jumble of medical journals and nudist annuals); a copy of  _The Last of the Mohicans_  with a red tassel tucked in as a bookmark; letters and envelopes in an untidy heap.

The room itself is warm and welcoming, and it's exactly the kind of nook BJ can imagine Hawk curling up in to read or think or lick his wounds. For the first time since he got home from Korea, BJ wonders if he's read this all wrong, and the real reason Hawk is so reluctant to visit is because he has no desire to leave his beloved Maine, to leave this house and his father, even for a week or two. The thought is a sharp pain behind BJ's sternum. He's abruptly relieved Hawk and his too-observant eyes aren't here to witness his discomfort.

He can feel Daniel watching him as he surveys the room. He doesn't want to look - those eyes are just too familiar, too much the same - so he sits obediently in the chair Daniel gestures to and lets his gaze wander everywhere that isn't where Daniel is.

From this angle, a few more things become clear, like the fact several of the discarded letters have his name at the top, that there are envelopes postmarked San Francisco and addressed in his own handwriting, and that (when BJ peels himself away from the former, telling himself any letters Hawkeye hasn't sent aren't his to read), above the fireplace, there's a framed photo that's achingly nostalgic: the 4077th standing in front of a fake Fort Dix sign.

Something loosens in BJ's chest. The photograph is a huge comfort. It makes him feel like he isn't a complete fool for begging favours from Klinger and Radar to get himself flown across the country. Hawk in his tuxedo and cowboy hat, simultaneously handsome and ridiculous, the evidence strewn about of BJ's presence in Hawkeye's life... it makes BJ smile, and he finally manages to meet Daniel's gaze again.

Daniel studies his face for a second, nods, then sits down in a chair opposite BJ and folds his hands in his lap. They look at one another.

BJ doesn't know what Hawk has told his father, whether Daniel knows they're closer than most war buddies, if he suspects BJ's visit is indicative of an attachment beyond best friends. Whether he realises BJ has been trying to tell Hawkeye 'I love you' since he left Korea, maybe even before.

If Daniel disapproves.

Daniel doesn't give anything away. However strong the resemblance between them, it seems as if this quietude skipped a generation, or maybe Hawk hasn't yet learned to sit that still, hasn't learned to school his expression. Hawk's emotions light up his face whatever mood he's in: happy, sad, joyous, despairing, he projects them all in living colour and at full volume. BJ wonders if Hawkeye will learn control as he ages. Then he wonders if he'll get to see it, if Hawk will forgive his intrusion or if Daniel is the only snapshot he'll ever see of his Hawk as an old man. It's a thought that hurts more than BJ can deal with. He reminds himself of the photo and the letters and tries to push his uncertainty down.

"So," says Daniel eventually.

BJ nods. This is... awkward. "It's a good picture, isn't it?" he tries, nodding towards the photograph.

It's obvious where Hawk inherited his twinkle. "Why'd you think I sat you there?" Daniel smiles. "I thought it might have the same effect on you as on Ben."

It's startling to hear Hawkeye referred to as Ben. BJ rubs his hands on his pants, in a vain effort to distract himself from the emotions it stirs up.

Daniel chuckles again, like he did at the door. "You look at it like it's home," he says. "Just like Ben does."

Heat rushes to BJ's cheeks. "Oh."

"It seems to calm him, on the bad days."

BJ nods. It hurts to think about Hawkeye having bad days and struggling and not letting BJ help, but it means... a lot, it means a  _lot_  to know for sure that Daniel is involved enough to be aware. It means even more to know that the memories (at least of the people, of BJ) actually help.

It relieves a fear BJ hasn't ever admitted even to himself, never mind to anyone else, one that slammed into him with the slamming of the door. The fear that Hawk's trauma and heartbreak would be too much to get over, that BJ himself would just be a reminder of pain. That their friendship would be the last casualty in the camp, that Hawkeye could forgive him, but would never want to see him again.

"It's a good memory." BJ looks up at the picture again. They all look so happy. "Lots of good memories." It's a strange thing to say about anything in Korea, stranger still that it's true.

"For me, too," says Daniel. "I owe you a thank you. Ben told me the reunion was your idea."

"Did he also tell you he knocked heads and twisted arms until everyone got involved?" BJ asks with a smile. "It never would've come together without him."

"No?"

He launches into an explanation of his patient, the party idea, how dispirited he was, how Hawk had browbeaten, cajoled, bribed and coaxed everyone to get on board with a plan he'd started off lukewarm about himself.

BJ doesn't realise how animated he's gotten till he looks across and finds Daniel watching him closely. BJ stops abruptly, and wishes he could keep from blushing again just as easily. "Uh."

Daniel studies him for a moment. His eyes are alight with amusement, though his expression is also somehow sad. "You and Ben made quite the team, didn't you?"

"Yeah, I guess we did," BJ agrees.

"You'd like to again."

BJ doesn't know how to answer that. He wouldn't know how to verbalise it even if he could try and explain to Hawkeye's father exactly how much he wants Hawkeye without risk, without potentially outing Hawkeye himself. He doesn't know how this works, what it will look like, he just knows he needs Hawk, desperately and painfully, whatever that means. (He hopes Hawk won't mind too much if his father realises BJ, at least, is way beyond platonic.)

Daniel apparently takes pity on how flustered he is. "How long will you stay?"

It's a safer topic, although BJ's chest tightens. He has so little time, and Hawkeye is off sulking or fuming or maybe just avoiding him. "I'm meeting someone tomorrow who's driving me down to Portsmouth."

"Long drive."

BJ nods his agreement. What can he say? It was a long journey, and the journey home will likely feel longer still, but he'll do it again without hesitation if he needs to. Part of him wants to explain properly, wants to say  _I know it makes no sense, but I love him. I needed to know he's okay. I needed to be here for him_ , but it wouldn't be right, or appropriate, without talking to Hawk first.

"So, uh... Ben." The name feels new and strange in his mouth. Almost too intimate, as if he's being told secrets without Hawkeye's permission. "Is he... doing okay?"

Daniel rubs at his chin and shrugs a shoulder. "For a man who spent almost the last three years in a war zone, he could be doing worse." He cocks his head at BJ, and looks suddenly like a little bird, eyes bright and wise. "He would be doing much worse without you," he offers.

BJ gulps. "Oh." His voice cracks alarmingly even on that one word.

Daniel glances over at the untidy stack of letters. "I don't know what it is that you write him, but he carries your words around like a talisman."

BJ stares down at his hands. He probably shouldn't admit that he has two letters from Hawk tucked into his inside pocket next to his family photos, or that he spent most of his journey to Maine rereading them in between staring at his wife and daughter's faces. He definitely shouldn't admit he wishes he had a photo of Hawkeye to carry with those of Peg and Erin.

Instead, he murmurs, "I do what I can."

Daniel hums in agreement. "I'm very grateful," he says. His voice is so soft suddenly that BJ looks up. Daniel is studying his face again. "You and he have a very special- friendship," he says. (BJ isn't sure if he imagined the pause, the emphasis on that word.) "If Ben had to serve, I'm glad it was alongside someone like you, BJ."

BJ's throat is tight with everything he's suppressing. "I was proud to work with him," he says. It comes out as a painful rasp.

"And he with you."

There's another silence, and BJ is glad of it. He needs to rein in his emotions, to get a hold of himself. It's all too much, and he's ready to explode from all the things he's keeping inside, from not jumping up to find Hawk and damn well  _make_  him listen.

Then, just when he's gotten his breathing under control, just when he's trying to restart the conversation on a safer topic, there are footsteps, and a creak as the doorknob turns. The door opens, and there, looking like a scolded puppy, is Hawkeye.


	2. Chapter 2

Daniel Pierce might be getting old, but he's still a smart man, a doctor, and no one's fool. He heard all about BJ Hunnicutt when Ben was in Korea, and he's seen the way his son pores over the letters he gets from California like they're inordinately precious. He's also aware that Ben's had almost as many boyfriends as girlfriends, even if they didn't ever talk about it. It doesn't take a genius to do the math.

Exactly how BJ's apparently very happy marriage figures into it, Daniel has never worked out.

He was concerned what it might be like to meet Peggy Hunnicutt at the family reunion. What does one say to the wife of the man one's son appears to have fallen in love with, when both of them are thousands of miles away from their families in the middle of a war disguised as a 'police action'? Daniel had no idea.

As it happened, when he actually met Peg, all his worries fell away. In amongst everything Ben wrote about BJ and his family, Daniel had gotten to know Peggy by osmosis. Meeting everyone's relatives was nothing like meeting a group of strangers, but meeting Peg was like reuniting with an old friend, one who knew his son well. Within five minutes he was reassured that (whatever it was) the relationship between Ben and BJ was nothing that was going to threaten or damage BJ's marriage.

That doesn't mean that he has the faintest idea what it  _is_ , or how the pieces fit together. Now BJ has flown clear across the country to see his son, and he's even more confused about the exact nature of this... this friendship, this brotherhood, this (he has no better word for it) love between them.

When Ben reappears, sheepish and uncertain, BJ gets up mid-sentence and crosses the room to embrace him, as if Ben didn't slam a door in his face, as if Ben hasn't been (Daniel has no illusions) difficult as he navigates his return to normalcy, his recovery from trauma; as if they haven't seen one another in a decade, but also as if for BJ, wrapping his arms around Ben and holding him close is as natural as breathing.

After a long moment, Ben sinks into BJ's embrace and hugs him back. BJ strokes Ben's hair, and Ben presses his face into BJ's neck, and Daniel wonders suddenly if he's intruding, if he should make himself scarce.

If he's honest, the feeling that this is too personal for spectators is only part of it. He's concerned for his son, but in his heart, he's aching at memories he seldom allows himself to think about, at pain-edged sweetness so old he can almost pretend it no longer hurts.

One of these days, he's going to tell Ben about falling in love with his partner in chem lab, about tentative flirtation and brown eyes that swallowed his soul. About shared laughter and a smile like sunshine. About first love in all its glory and pain, and how much more painful it was to realise it could never be. About his own BJ, who came and left before Hawk's mother, who has been a secret for decades. Who was the first to leave fingerprints on his heart and whom he will never forget. The man who could not be his.

Daniel knows one can recover from such an affair; he's done it, he survived, he fell in love again, he married a woman who claimed his whole heart, whom he adored, to whom he was devoted. That doesn't mean it was easy, and it doesn't mean he wants his son to go through the same pain. Watching them now, though, these two men, he wonders if it's too late... much too late.


	3. Chapter 3

The Pierces' spare room is warm and homey, and BJ is exhausted when they finally call it a night, so there's no reason it should take him forever to fall asleep except that he's not used to having a bed or a room to himself.

Since he got back home, he's gotten used to having Peg in his arms again, and for the two years before that he had Hawk just a few feet away, or sometimes, on very bad or cold nights, squashed into his bed, even though their cots were only just big enough to sleep one of them in any actual comfort. By contrast, the bed he's in now is soft and wide, and having it all to himself is... terrible. He has four real walls and a real door and a real bed, and a year ago he would have done almost anything to get any one of those things, but right now it's unnerving and horribly lonely.

He misses Peg, he misses knowing Erin is in the same house, and somehow misses Hawkeye even more knowing he's a couple of rooms away rather than on the other side of the country.  _I should've invited myself to sleep on his bedroom floor_. It wasn't that it didn't occur to BJ, he just wasn't sure how to ask, let alone in front of Hawk's dad. Now, though, he wishes he'd gone with his gut instead of trying to do the right thing, or the 'normal' thing, or whatever it was that landed him alone and lonely thousands of miles from home, and a few yards that might as well be lightyears from the man who feels like his home from home.

It's easy to imagine it. He has no doubt that one or the other of them would've given in to temptation, climbed into the other one's bed, and then he'd have someone to hold and Hawk's familiar snoring to lull him to sleep. He would have Hawk's hair and scent in his nose and Hawk warm and close, snuggling in how he used to when he was scared or shattered or simply lonely, as if BJ were pillow and hot water bottle and comforter combined, and it would settle something in BJ that has only quieted once since he got home from Korea - when he pulled Hawkeye into a hug and stroked his hair and rubbed his back and told him how much he was missed.

BJ looks once more at the photos of his girls, then tucks them and the letters under his pillow. At least the pillow smells of something vaguely familiar (it seems the Pierces use the same laundry soap as the Hunnicutts); he buries his face in it and wills himself to pretend he's in a familiar bed in a familiar house.

It takes a long while, but eventually he manages to drift off to sleep.

* * *

Peggy lies awake and listens to Erin breathe. Erin usually sleeps in her own room these days, but it's soothing to listen to her snuffles and sighs. It helps make the house less lonely with BJ away.

Peg lies awake and thinks and prays. She's not sure if she truly believes in God anymore, but if she does, it's a God who heals the sick and comforts the broken, and loves no matter what. She prays for her husband and for Hawkeye and for herself. She marvels at how much love a human heart can hold and how much she cares about a man she has never met.

Then she rolls over and reaches down to stroke Erin's cheek. Erin grabs her finger without waking, and gurgles softly.

"Sleep well, sweetheart. Daddy will be home soon."


	4. Chapter 4

When BJ wakes, it's still dark. It's probably just as well, because when he realises Hawkeye is in the process of climbing into his bed, he can't suppress the smile.

"Hawk?"

Hawkeye freezes, then starts to withdraw.

BJ grabs on to his wrists. "Hawk, are you okay?"

There's a moment of silence. "I couldn't sleep."

BJ considers admitting he had trouble himself, or asking if Hawkeye wants to join him, but he's tired and kind of sleepy still, so instead he just tugs on Hawk's hands till Hawk is half sitting on the bed and half lying on his chest.

"Beej?" Hawk's voice has risen about an octave and he sounds desperately uncertain.

"Just lie down, Hawk." BJ budges over to make more room without letting go of Hawkeye, then tugs again.

Hawk lets out a startled laugh, but allows himself to be poked and manoeuvred until he's tucked in against BJ's body, and BJ can breathe again. He needs Hawkeye so damn much, and it's been too long. It's overwhelming.

"Beej?" Hawk asks again, but this time it's soft and comfy and a little amused.

"Yeah?"

"Thanks."

It's BJ's turn to laugh. He can't resist dropping a kiss on Hawk's hair. "Always did sleep better with you nearby," he admits.

Hawk snuggles in closer. "Me too," he murmurs against BJ's throat, and suddenly BJ can't catch his breath anymore.

Their bare feet tangle together and Hawk's fingers slide across the skin of BJ's back where his t-shirt has ridden up. BJ gulps.  _Oh_.

They've shared a bed before, he's woken up with a Hawkeye-shaped blanket many times, but on a cold night in Korea, they slept in as many clothes as they could squeeze into. BJ's used to a mass of fabric with Hawkeye hidden somewhere in the middle of it. This is... not the same.

He can feel the heat of Hawk's body through the thin cotton of his pyjamas, bone and muscle and life. When he rubs his hand comfortingly up and down Hawk's spine, each vertebra is distinct. Hawk's breath moves under his hands, his ribcage rising and falling. He's so  _alive_. So real. So close. It's as if BJ's never touched him before, it feels so different.

He wonders if Hawkeye's heart is beating as hard and fast as his own. He doesn't know; the pounding in his chest is so strong he can't tell where it stops. He presses his face into Hawk's hair (so much better than the pillow) and takes a gulp of air. Hawkeye smells like home.

"Hawk?" BJ manages.

"Mmhm?"

"I really missed you." His voice is wobbling. It's easier to be honest here in the dark, but the emotions are so raw, and he can't keep them locked down.

BJ didn't even notice the residual tension in Hawkeye's body, but he feels it dissipate, feels Hawk melt into him like syrup.

"Me too, Beej," Hawk whispers. "Me too."


	5. Chapter 5

BJ's visit is frightening and wonderful and passes much too quickly. Hawkeye hates himself for putting BJ in this position, loves BJ for coming, and hates himself even more for wasting time running away last night when he could have been with BJ, talking to him, even just sitting and watching him, enjoying his presence. Good food and healthy living and sunshine suit him; he's more beautiful than ever. Hawk could spend hours just looking at him, and could kick himself for his cowardice.

He did his best to force BJ away (even as he clung fast, and hating himself even as he tried), because maybe it would be easier if BJ leaving could be his decision and not BJ's. But BJ held on tight, crossed the country, told him he's an idiot for not realising he's needed. BJ got so angry when Hawk pulled back. Seems so scared to lose him.

It's terrifying and thrilling to have so much more than he deserves. To be so important to BJ. To have so much to lose. Hawkeye doesn't know how to process it. Doesn't know how to deal with any of it, or how to express how much it means.

How does he say he'll be okay as long as he knows Beej is happy? That BJ and his family are more important than anything else to him? How does he say that without BJ knowing he...  _knowing_... and how can BJ possibly remain in his life, remain his friend, if he realises how hopelessly in love Hawkeye is?

He still doesn't have an answer.

"You need to come visit soon," BJ says, when Daniel leaves them alone in the den to talk.

Hawk pulls a face. "Beej... it'll be different once I get my head on straight." (He doesn't want to think about how long it might take.) "I don't even know what that looks like right now." How can he explain his fear of tainting BJ's perfect, golden-hued life? "I'll visit when I'm doing better."

BJ just looks at him with those blue, blue eyes and that soft, straightforward affection. "Don't be an ass."

"But Beej, I-"

"Hawkeye-"

"I didn't want you to see me like this," Hawk blurts out.

BJ stares at him for a second, eyes wide and, oh God, wet with tears, then pulls him in close. "I love you," he insists. "I love you, Hawkeye, and nothing is ever going to change that."

Hawk can't listen to the things Beej says then, not really. It's too much, it makes him cry to have BJ's arms around him and BJ's voice in his ear. Telling him he's loved and wanted and needed. Telling him he's missed. Tentatively, almost shyly calling him 'Ben', which cracks Hawkeye open and heals him up all in one go.

He lets the words flow over him and tries to trust in the sound of BJ's voice, in the sincerity there.

He's held on to BJ's love and affection ever since he got back home. That and his father's unstinting support are what's kept him going. But it was... easier, it was safer (so he thought) to keep BJ far away, to allow him to get on with his life and be a long-distance friend until Hawk was back on his feet. To let BJ go, if it came to that.

It seemed like the right thing to do. He didn't realise how much he was hurting BJ by trying to protect him.

"I'm sorry," he whispers eventually. "I'm so sorry, Beej."

BJ shushes him. "It's okay."

 _It's not. It's really not_ , Hawk thinks,  _but maybe one day it will be_.


	6. Chapter 6

> ... when I see them together, it reminds me irresistibly of you and I. Confidants, comrades, and something so much more that cannot be realised.
> 
> I don't know what Ben would have done had he not had BJ in Korea. BJ has a beautiful wife and daughter; I met his wife, Peggy, in New York, and she's delightful (you would like her very much), and yet part of me cannot help being jealous on Ben's behalf. I always cherished the idea he would grow up in a more tolerant world than we did, but it seems it's simply not possible to escape heartbreak. I don't know if it's better or worse than to be forced apart by bigotry and intolerance; the end result is very much the same, though, and something I fondly hoped Ben would never have to face. First Carlye and now this. One cannot chose whom one loves, but I wish life would be kinder to my son.
> 
> It is far too long since I last saw you. If you should find yourself nearby, please remember that you're always welcome here. ~~If I could~~ Always. ~~I miss you~~
> 
> The practice is doing well. Taking on part of the workload gives Ben something to do without overwhelming him or reminding him too much of his time in Korea, and I think it helps a good deal...

* * *

Saying goodbye is much too reminiscent of that last day in Korea. How the hell did Hawkeye manage to end up with a best friend who lives almost as far away as he could without leaving the country or the continent? What exactly did Hawkeye do to deserve this?

(Okay, so he's pretty sure he does deserve it, one way or another, but it's cruel and unusual punishment, and he can hardly bear to let go.)

He ends up crying again when BJ hugs him fiercely and makes him promise, voice trembling around the edges in a way that shakes Hawk to his core, that he won't do anything stupid.

It takes Hawkeye a moment to realise what BJ's saying, and his own voice is none too steady as he agrees. It's humbling to realise how much he scared BJ, to hear the fear in his voice and feel it in his touch.

 _I could never do that to you, or to Dad_.

He wants to say it aloud, but he's not certain. He doesn't trust himself; he's honest enough to realise there will be more days where he thinks they'd be better off without him and the temptation is unbearable. Not to swallow a handful of pills because he gave Beej his word somehow seems more manageable.

It's a blur after that. Hawk wants to bottle the moment, the warmth of BJ in his embrace, BJ's scent, his long arms and legs, the way he grasps at Hawk like he wants to let go as little as Hawk does. It's over too soon, and Hawk hasn't even processed the kiss BJ presses to his cheek until much too late to reciprocate.

"So that was your BJ," Daniel says as they watch BJ turn the corner at the end of their drive, off to catch the first of the many different rides that will take him back to sunny California.

Hawk looks away. "Yes."

"He seems like a good guy."

Hawkeye can't help the bark of laughter. It's such a wild understatement to call BJ Hunnicutt a good guy. "The best," he amends.

Daniel clasps his shoulder. "C'mon, son," he says gently, and his tone of voice makes Hawk wonder if his father has guessed so much more than he's ever let on. 

* * *

> I don't think I'll send this, Hawk. I don't think you're ready to hear it; I'm not even sure if I'm ready to say it. Maybe one day. One day I'll give it to you, or slip it into your pocket with a kiss. A real kiss.
> 
> But I wanted to write these things down, even if you won't read them yet. I want to tell you that I don't regret coming. I don't regret dropping everything for you. I'd do it again in a heartbeat.
> 
> It was great meeting your dad, seeing your town, seeing you in your natural habitat. All of it was wonderful. I'm so glad I got to see that side of you, and I wish I could've stayed for longer. Benjamin Pierce (am I allowed to call you that now?) in his own home. It was a sight for sore eyes. I hope it won't be the last time I visit.
> 
> That isn't it, though, isn't why I came or why I'd race back tomorrow if I had to. If you were living in a cardboard box, if you moved back to Korea and I had to cross the ocean and face all the painful memories - if I had to swim - hell, if you moved to Jupiter, Hawkeye, I'd find a way to come if you needed me. Because I love you. One day I'll figure out how to tell you in a way that'll make you understand, but in the meantime, I'll do my best to keep showing you.
> 
> It's not that different, Hawkeye. It's hardly different at all. I love you. I always will.
> 
> Yours,
> 
> Beej

* * *


	7. Chapter 7

It takes a couple of days for his father to ask the question that's obviously been weighing on his mind. Or rather, it's not a question so much as a statement, offered after breakfast as Daniel sits down next to him in the den.

"You miss BJ."

Hawk raises his eyebrows and shrugs. It's a relief to get it out in the open. "What gave it away? The moping or the sulking?" He hasn't exactly been subtle.

Daniel chuckles, resting a hand on his shoulder. "A little of both." He squeezes gently. There's a pause, and he takes a deep breath.

Hawk braces himself, recognising his father's expression as one that usually preceded a lecture when he was a kid. "What?" He has the feeling Daniel is holding back a tsunami.

"You love him," Daniel says, then, more confidently, "You're in love with him."

It's warm but blunt, and it isn't what Hawkeye thought was coming. He winces, unable to control it, unable to hide his reaction.

Daniel squeezes his shoulder again. "I'm sorry."

Hawk would deny it, but there seems little point.

"Does he know?"

There are tears pricking at Hawk's eyes. "I don't know," he admits, quiet as a church mouse. "I don't know."

Daniel just looks at him, waiting patiently.

"Dad, I can't... he's married, okay? Happily, blissfully married, deeply and passionately in love with his wife." Hawk forces himself to smile, even though it feels like it'll break his face. "So what difference does any of it make? What does it matter?" His voice cracks. "Dad, I-"

Daniel pulls him into a hug and rubs his back. Hawk is grateful for the excuse to bury his face in his dad's shoulder, as if he's a little kid again. These days, Daniel is skinny and almost frail, but somehow he's still so strong and solid in Hawkeye's arms and it feels safe to cry, to be self-indulgent for a moment.

Eventually Hawk pulls back and summons up another rusty smile. "Thanks, Dad."

Daniel's smile looks about as convincing as Hawk's feels.

Hawk takes a shaky breath. "I wasn't sure if you'd be... horrified."

That gets Hawkeye an eye roll. "You should know me better." Daniel chuckles, and his smile becomes more genuine. "I'm neither that narrow-minded nor that stupid."

Hawk frowns at him.

"You aren't very subtle, Ben. I knew exactly which of your 'best friends' in school were friends and which ones you were kissing behind the bike shed. Or wished you were."

Hawkeye lets out a burst of laughter. "Oh, God. Really?"

"Is that so terrible, that I knew?"

"No, it's just..." He shakes his head. " _Really_?"

"I'm not an idiot, Benjamin."

Hawkeye pulls a face at his knees. "All these years, I assumed I'd gotten away with something. I thought I was so clever and cunning, and now I find out you knew this whole time? Teenage me would be appalled."

"You thought you were so smart, huh?"

"I thought I had everyone fooled. I was so pleased with myself," Hawk says. "Best friend was so much easier to explain than boyfriend." He looks up at Daniel. "Didn't you want to... keep me on the right path?"

"I didn't think you were on the wrong one. My only regret is that I wish I'd known how to ask you about it. How to tell you it was all right. When you and Tommy-"

Daniel stops himself a second too late, and Hawk shuts his eyes against the ache.

Tommy. The memory still has the power to knock Hawk on his ass. Tommy represents so many firsts for Hawk, right down to his first kiss when they were eleven and Hawk assured Tommy (and himself) that they were just practicing for the many girlfriends they'd definitely have in the future.

He never imagined Tommy would also be the first person he loved whom he lost to the senseless violence of war.

He can still remember the exact taste of Tommy's mouth that first time, the gum he chewed constantly as a kid; the first time Tommy came apart in his hands. The first time they undressed one another, hearts pounding with fear and excitement. So many firsts, and all too few lasts.

Hawkeye thought Tommy would always be there, that even if life spat them out wrecked and bloody, they would at least still have each other. He took it for granted. He doesn't remember their last kiss. It didn't seem important at the time.

Korea stole so much from him. Sometimes he wonders how much he has left.

 _Give a little. You got plenty to spare_. The words come back out of nowhere. BJ.

BJ, who took time away from his real family and came racing across an entire continent to see for himself that Hawk was okay. BJ, who insists over and over that he loves and misses Hawk. BJ, who pulled him close and made him feel safe as he slept.

Korea took so much, but it gave him Beej. Hawkeye can't say for sure if it was a fair exchange. He isn't qualified even to guess.

He's sure BJ got the rough end of the deal, but whatever Korea took from Hawk is gone, and BJ is not. BJ refuses to leave or be left, and now he knows that, Hawkeye will hold on with every ounce of strength left in him.

"Dad, I wish I'd known how to talk to you about... this," he says, looking up. "I'm sorry I couldn't."

Daniel nods. "I know it can be difficult. Especially when it doesn't work out." He pauses. "There was... someone I met in college," he says. "Someone who also wanted to be a doctor and to whom I was very... close. And- well, it was a tricky situation, for many reasons."

"Yeah?" Hawkeye can't figure out why he's hesitant, why he looks so pained. It's not as if Hawk ever assumed his mom was his dad's first or only love, and he knows first hand that medicine isn't kind to romance.

"We never... it was a different time. It was too much of a risk. But even though it was never consummated, it was very real and very passionate."

Hawk waits. He's sure there's more to it; his dad isn't this cagey for no reason.

"He-" Daniel says, then stops and stares down at his hands.

 _He_. It takes a moment to sink in, but then it dawns on Hawkeye that even now, premed is not exactly swarming with women. His breath catches in his throat. Was that a slip of the tongue or is his dad really saying...? This is the last thing he expected.

"Dad?"

Daniel looks at him, eyes grave, then sighs. "I'm saying... I'm saying I understand, Ben."

Hawkeye swallows hard and blinks, but it doesn't stop a tear from escaping down his cheek. He takes Daniel's hand in his own and squeezes it. He wants to say - he doesn't know what,  _something_ \- but for several long minutes, he can't make his voice work. "I'm sorry, Dad," he manages eventually. "I had no idea."

Daniel smiles softly. "Why would you? I never told you. I loved your mother completely, but she wasn't the first to touch my heart. Nor the first to break it."

Hawkeye watches him for a second longer, then closes his eyes and takes a few deep breaths. He's been holding on to this pain so tight, for so long, keeping it to himself for what felt like forever. It never occurred to him his father was hiding an even older pain, never mind that it bore so much resemblance to his own.

"I'm so sorry, Dad," he says again. This time he means he's sorry Daniel's heart has been broken so many times, in so many ways - that he's lost so much. That Hawkeye himself is the most recent person to break it.

"I know," Daniel says softly. "I'm sorry too, Ben."


	8. Chapter 8

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please note the tags.
> 
> More details in the endnote of this chapter in case you need to check whether this might be triggering for you.
> 
> (The endnote is of necessity spoilery.)

A simple medicine bottle has never been so terrifying, but it's nothing compared to the panic in Daniel's chest when he sees it has a partner by the sink and that both of them are empty.  _Oh God, Ben, what have you done?_

Ben is a good doctor and a heavy drinker, and he knows how to combine those things into a lethal cocktail.

Daniel knew Ben was in a bad place, but since BJ's visit, he seemed to be coping so much better. Daniel was so sure that any immediate risk of Ben doing something foolish had passed.

(Where did Ben even get the pills? Daniel is meticulous with inventory, even more so since Ben came home. He's been so careful.)

There isn't time to think, there's only time to check each room and move on to the next, heart pounding in his ears, fear like ice in his veins.

"Ben? Benjamin?" Ben's room is messier than it's been since he was a teenager, but there's no sign of him.

 _How will I tell BJ?_  It's a strange worry to have in this moment, but knowing this will hurt the man Ben loves so much adds even more urgency as Daniel searches the house, cursing his ageing legs for being slow and awkward and not allowing him the speed he desperately needs if he's to have any chance of reversing this. And he has to, he  _has_  to. He can't lose his son this way. He can't face this again.

"Ben!"

By the time he reaches the ground floor, he's too out of breath to call out. He can't shake the feeling he could have missed something, that maybe there's somewhere he's forgotten to check. There's no sign of Ben in the kitchen or in the den, then he looks out into the sunroom, and there, bent over a letter, is his son.

Daniel almost yells, but stops himself. He's not sure he wants Ben to know how scared he was - or at least, he needs to think hard before having that conversation.  _He's okay. He's all right_. The bottles were empty, but there's Ben, upright, breathing, smiling as he reads and writes, probably answering a missive from BJ.

The bottles were empty. Ben had the means to take his own life, and now he doesn't. Did he flush them away? Whatever he did with them, it's hope and relief and a profound gratitude that Daniel was wrong.

The relief is tempered by nausea.

He knew Ben was struggling, knew it was wise to keep an eye on him, but it's sobering to realise how organised he was, how carefully he'd planned. How easily Daniel could have lost him.

If Ben had chosen to kill himself when Daniel was with patients, there would've been no hope. If Ben had pills on hand for the eventuality that he decided he couldn't take any more, then all Daniel's precautions have not been enough. He can't dispel the image of his son lifeless, still and pale, even with Ben sat right in front of him.

He watches as his heart settles back into a quieter, healthier rhythm. Ben laughs to himself about something, then bites his lip and gazes off into the distance. Daniel has come to recognise the look as one that means Ben is thinking about his BJ. Sometimes it's sad, other times it's joyous, and every time it makes Daniel stop for a moment just to watch. Just to see that warmth on Ben's face. Ben said when he got back home, and has said it since, that BJ saved his sanity and his life. It seems as if he's done it once again, without even knowing.

Daniel watches now and thinks about his own BJ. About his wife. Two people he loved with such passion.

Adelaide is gone, irretrievably. That cannot be changed.

Isaac is there on the edges of his life. Close but not close enough. Maybe that, Daniel can change.

Some things cannot be undone. Some things can.

Once the thump in his chest has subsided a little, he squares his shoulders and pushes the door open.

Ben looks up, grinning wider than Daniel remembers seeing since before he was drafted. There's a light in his eyes this last week or so that's been missing for too long.

"Dad, hey. BJ sent me new pictures, come and see."

Daniel sits down beside him. The pictures are mostly of Erin, and he smiles as he looks through them. She has the same squishy cheeks and serious demeanour that Ben did as a toddler. She could easily be his daughter, although Daniel is too tactful to point that out just now.

Ben relates a series of anecdotes about BJ and his girls, and it's not that Daniel isn't interested, but he gets caught up in watching Ben's face, his exaggerated expressions, the way he drops into storytelling mode, gesturing wildly and embellishing his tale with details Daniel's sure he can't possibly know.

It doesn't matter. Daniel would listen to him recite  _Gray's Anatomy_. What matters is that he's alive and (Daniel thinks and hopes and prays) plans on staying that way. It doesn't take more than that to have Daniel smile and nod and cling avidly to Ben's every word even if the meaning slips past him. The story itself is not nearly as interesting as how animated Ben is.

Daniel wonders if BJ realises just how important he is to Ben. How much of a lifeline, even now, months after they returned from Korea. If he knew how, Daniel would write and tell him so, but he's not sure how to navigate the complex and mysterious relationship BJ has with his son, and it's for Ben to decide if he'll tell BJ how he feels one day, not for Daniel.

If BJ visits again, though, Daniel will simply say thank you. For my son's life and sanity. Thank you for bringing him back to me in one piece. Those are the things he can say, the things he wants BJ to know.

Ben starts acting out one of the Erin stories, including silly voices and ridiculous faces; Daniel laughs far more loudly than is warranted, relief and joy finding expression in amusement.

That earns him raised eyebrows and a fond smile. "Geez, it wasn't that funny, Dad. Unless I'm losing the battle of wits to a toddler."

Daniel smiles back, then levers himself up from the chair, grabs Ben, and pulls him up into a hug.

"Dad?" There's still laughter in Ben's voice, but he hugs Daniel back, and Daniel doesn't care if Ben's laughing at him, because he's laughing, which means he's breathing and his heart is beating and he's alive.

Daniel squeezes him tight and rubs his back, savours the warmth and scent and life he'd thought was lost. "I love you, son," he says. "I love you so much, Benjamin."

Ben laughs softly and hugs him tighter. "I love you too, Dad. What brought this on?"

"Do I need a reason?"

Ben chuckles again, and shakes his head. "I guess not. I love you, too."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> There's a situation in which it seems a character has committed suicide, but they have not actually gone through with it.
> 
> There's also an oblique reference/implication that a canonically dead character took their own life.


	9. Chapter 9

BJ's unexpected appearance made one thing clear: he is essential to Hawkeye's sanity. The thought still scares Hawkeye to his bones, but there's no getting away from it. San Francisco beckons.

There's a strange kind of peace in the decision, too. It'll be kill or cure, but either possibility is an answer of sorts.

In the meantime, he clings to the notion BJ would cross a continent to find him, would come and bang on the walls Hawk built until he's let in. The idea BJ is willing to fight for him, fiercely, untiringly. He still doesn't understand it, but at least now he believes it.

He holds on to the memories, too, each one clear and distinct. BJ's arms firm around his back, BJ's hands in his hair and clutching at his body. BJ's heartbeat steady and sure under his ear, lulling him to sleep. BJ's warmth and scent. His tenderness.

These are the things Hawkeye remembers, the things that both keep him up at night and eventually allow him to sleep more peacefully than he has in months.

When he slips into sleep, his mind goes to the places he refuses to visit awake. He dreams of soft, slow kisses and tender fingers, he dreams of demanding hands and ravenous mouths, he dreams of everything in between. The only constant is that it's always BJ in his arms. Unattainable, married, loving Beej, both the person he feels most close to and the one who's most out of reach.

Eventually he writes BJ that he's coming, he's going to visit. It's terrifying, but it's inevitable.

His fingers move too slowly, because there's so much he's trying not to say. Things like,  _I love you, and I don't mean as a friend_ , and  _if I'd gotten to you first, would I have been enough for you?_  and  _God, I wish you were mine,_ and _I hate myself for resenting your wife, but I do_.

Instead, he writes,  _Beej, I'll try_  (and doesn't write  _I'd do anything for you, do you realise?_ ), and  _I can't wait to meet your family_ (and not,  _I'm terrified I'll be angry with them; I'm even more terrified I'll love them as much as I love you_ ). He says all the right things, and tries not to worry that all the wrong things seem to be lurking under his words, ready to betray him.

He doesn't write  _I'm in love with you, I always will be, and maybe I always have been_ , instead simply signing it 'All my love, Hawkeye', and trying not to feel like a liar.

_~ fin ~_


End file.
